you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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