new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
