I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
