Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
