I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
