I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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