I just threw up on my dentist
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
