Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
