Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
