All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
