I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
