OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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