apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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