still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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