please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
