It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
