So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
