All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
