I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
