I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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