So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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