a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
