if i can run in heels then i can drive
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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