Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
