Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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