he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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