I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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