Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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