It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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