My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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