You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You should frame my arrest warrant.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
