I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
