You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
