It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
