I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
