are you still at the devil's house?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
