My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
