You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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