I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
