I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize