I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
