I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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