I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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