The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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