I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
