She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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