he wants to bone in the snuggie
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
