everyone is single if you try hard enough
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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