Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
