i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize