So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
