I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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