Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
