I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
