Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
