My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
