Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
