i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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