You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
