I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
