I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
