I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
