i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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